got up and ate.

went to sleep when it was around 11, now it's 11 again, and I am still in bed, trying to choke myself with the blanket. everytime I am thinking about getting up, I am crying from the corner of my eye. it's dark outside. gloomy. raining. yesterday I ate two times. the day before just once. and what was the day before I don't even remember, but it wasn't like this, it wasn't something good either. or maybe it was, I can't seem to find the definition for good anymore. I am so nervous, my stomach hurts often, and my head hurts often, and my heart feels like it's constantly throwing up. the difference between before and now, I know something shifted, but it's all blurry, the lines are blurry, I thought what was before was falling, and what is this now? Is this the fall? is this the rock bottom? It feels like nothing. No ocean I am drowning in, just my bed, the smell of grilled bread and my head stuffed with cotton. When was the last time I smiled or laughed or talked to a person? I think the me that could get up from the bed smiled not so long ago, but it feels ages ago, me, this me. When was the last time I talked to a real person other than my family member, when was the last time I talked to a friend, when was the last time I had a friend, did i ever had a friend. When was the last time i loved. Some things weren't so long ago, but I don't remember how they feel. I don't feel. I don't know if it's me feeling afraid or my body. I don't know if its fear, maybe it's shame.