"life goes on". more like passing by. feel like its exactly the root of the problem, the root of the anxiety, that life goes on, without waiting. without giving much a clue, it just goes on, goes on, goes on, and then it ends. and no matter what you will do, or what you would not do, it will continue going, and even if in a different way, result will be the same, exactly the same, a rotting corpse. i don't know how to look at the phrase "life goes on" and see reassurement in it, something positive in it, how to see it as support, how to be excited and grateful for being told that, how to not see it as a reason to choke on air.
i feel like i am closing off more and more, and i don't want to do it, because there might be a moment when i reconsider, but at the same time i can't take it.
i am not answering those messages too, because it feels like walking back into the trap, into an emotionally abusive toxic relationship, i feel chocked up just thinking about it. there's something claustrophobic in this, something close to seeing "no exit" sign when you are trying to run away.
it feels like a box. i am not sure, if i made this box with my own hands, or just walked into it by mistake. i think, i tried to fight it, i think i did, but maybe at one point i lost.